As I write this with tears in my eyes I wonder is this what burnout feels like for others as well? The feeling of being so useless, yet so overwhelmed with being everything . The feeling of extreme fatigue and wanting to give up, but can’t? In this moment, I feel like the boy who cried wolf, except I just keep crying that I’m tired. Is this really the boy that cried wolf after all? I mean the town people believed him, right? Any time I even speak of how I feel, I get told how strong I am and how I got this. But do I really? I feel like I’m at the bottom of a well steady shouting for someone to pull me out, yet everyone keeps saying,” You can do it! Just climb out. “
I think for so long I have always been the strong one to where nobody can see me as anything else. I have built up this hard exterior both mentally and physically. I have convinced everyone around me (therapist included) that I am untouchable, that nothing can hurt me. But that’s not the case. I’m always complimented on how well I hold it together. Yet, I’m literally fighting damn near for my life on the inside. Honestly, the only reason I’m even like this is because looking around it’s very few people I could look to for strength, my rock , someone to be my shoulder to cry. For years, I’ve have been that for so many pepole I can’t even say whose that person for me…
I guess after reading such an emotional out burst you are wondering where all of this came about. Well for starters, Adonis has a little cold. So sleep for us has been very minimal. Along with the constant crying and him being stopped up, it’s been nonstop. like many others I’m dealing with this formula shortage crisis. Simple fixes right? Just give him some medicine and change him over to cow milk, he is one after all. If only the world we lived in was so black and white. Unfortunately, the world I live in is full of nothing but gray. Adonis absolutely refuses to drink anything besides formula at this time. I’ve tried whole, almond , 2 % , organic , regular , hell we have even tried juices. We aren’t just gray with staying hydrated though, due to Adonis age and medial diagnosis He’s extremely limited to the types of medicine he can take. But it doesn’t stop there , it never does. Did I mention I was recently diagnosed with PCOS and anemia ? I feel like I’m having the menstraul from Hell. Today, it was highs of 102 degrees . Can you imagine bleeding heavily to where you used three forms of protection and still bleed through not one but twice? Or the fact it’s so damn hot you prefer to take a cold shower but your cramps or so bad that you have no choice but to literally melt in the shower to ease the pain. Or lastly your severe hemophiliac son was due for an infusion today . But for some reason even after doing this ever couple days for several months now you couldn’t get the needle in the sweet spot (He has a port ). So now along with the mom guilt, the fatigue , pain, and everything else that’s not mentioned I have to figure out if it’s best we go to the emergency room tonight or early tomorrow.
Until next time . Write you guys later.
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